


feelings i can't fight

by niallerblush



Series: i will love you until my dying day [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Ziam, M/M, Prostitute!Harry, Prostitute!Zayn, Prostitution, References to Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-15
Updated: 2012-11-15
Packaged: 2017-12-05 09:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niallerblush/pseuds/niallerblush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles was kicked out of home at only 18 after coming out to his parents. Zayn takes him in after stumbling across Harry sitting on top of a bridge about to jump. With no other choice, Harry accepts the offer, not only to live with Zayn, but to work with him. Meeting Louis could not have come at a worse time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	feelings i can't fight

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the song ‘El Tango De Roxanne’ from Moulin Rouge, any criticism is welcome :) you can follow me on tumblr here: http://niallerblush.tumblr.com/

  
_His eyes upon your face_  
 _His hand upon your hand_  
 _His lips caress your skin  
_ _It’s more than I can stand_  


“No, no it’s fine Zayn, really,” Harry said tiredly, rubbing his eyes roughly. The tiredness was settling in after a long week of clients. For some reason, it always seemed to get busier just when Harry wanted to take a break. Karma maybe, he thought bitterly, was getting him back for simply existing. 

“You sure, Harry? You’ve been working a lot this week, I can always call Josh and get him to take it,” Zayn croaked, the sound of harsh coughing coming from the mobile. Harry shook his head, because Josh was a beautiful and impossibly sweet boy, and Harry couldn’t let him do more than he needed to. 

“No Zayn, let Josh have a break, I can fill this slot,” Harry said slowly. “Besides, I’ve had Mr Cowell before so I know exactly what he likes.” Zayn sniggered over the line, before breaking into a fit of coughs again. 

“Babe, you home?” Louis’ voice sounded into Harry’s ears. He turned around to see his boyfriend walking down the corridor, a grin playing on his lips when Harry came into view. Louis’ eyebrow rose, gesturing at the phone Harry was holding up to his ear.  _Zayn,_ he mouthed. A small “oh” was released from the older boy’s mouth, and a look of disappointed transformed the once loving expression.

“Fucking perv he is, that Cowell,” Zayn sighed. “Harry I’m sorry about this, really I am.” Harry smiled sadly at Louis, love filling his body for the boy standing there. He wished, more than anything, that they had met before all this. Before Harry had met Zayn, before Harry had made a choice that he would regret for the rest of his life. 

When Harry had come out to his parents, the word hatred could not even begin to describe the reaction he had gotten from them. Mainly his father of course, but Anne, who probably more in fear than in love, had agreed that Harry and “his kind” were disgusting and were better off burning in hell. It wasn’t long before Harry’s bags had been packed, and thrown out the front door.

Harry wasn’t sure exactly how far he walked that disastrous night, but the longer he walked, the more he started to believe his parent’s cruel words.  _Disgusting,_ they said.  _Sin against nature,_ they said.  _Disease ridden,_ they said.  _No one could ever love you,_ they said.  _Burn in hell,_ they said.  _You’re better off dead,_ they said.

Harry hadn’t exactly planned on killing himself. But once he reached a bridge, overlooking the highway, his thoughts jumped forward a bit. What was the point of living, when no one loved him? Not even his parents did and it was a parent’s job to love their children, wasn’t it? Harry must truly be a repulsive person, for his mother and father to be nauseated by him. What was the point of living, with nowhere to go? Wouldn’t it just be easier, for everyone, to climb the railing, and let go? Be gone forever, and not upset anyone else?

That was when Zayn had come in. As Harry had settled himself on top of the railing, and was looking down onto the ongoing traffic, muttering his last goodbyes quietly to himself, Zayn had been walking with a cigarette between his lips. He’d noticed Harry, noticed his melancholy demeanour, and noticed the tear tracks running down his cheeks. Having been in a similar situation himself, Zayn had immediately started to try and talk Harry down from his seat on the bridge. Harry had been reluctant but once Zayn had told him exactly how much he understood, Harry had swung his legs back over the rails and set his feet safely back onto the footpath. If Zayn had survived, maybe he could to.

It wasn’t long before Zayn gave him the suggestion. They were down in numbers, more specifically a man since Ed had met a girl (surprisingly) and decided he couldn’t stand the pain of leaving her every night for a stranger. Since Harry didn’t have anyone like that to stop him, and because he felt bad for staying in Zayn’s small flat without paying rent, he decided to take the offer.

That was before Louis though. Before the twinkling blue eyes and soft caramel hair. Before the realisation that maybe love did exist. Before the late night cuddling and tea rituals. Harry doesn’t blame Zayn for the idea, because he was only trying to help and Harry knew that if he wanted to quit, Zayn would support him through it. Help him even, to find a new job and to help him create a new life for himself with Louis.

But it came back to the question of, who on earth would hire an ex-prostitute? As much as Harry hated the job, and hated having to leave Louis, he couldn’t just quit. He had no other qualifications, no backup plan to fall back on. Harry couldn’t deny what was right in front of him; the pay was spectacular, just like his talent for blowjobs.

“Zayn, listen I gotta go, but don’t worry about it okay?” Harry reassured him, his eyes on Louis. The blue eyed boy’s expression was crestfallen and pitifully sad. Harry’s heart almost exploded with a mixture of affection and sorrow. He could tell, just by the way Louis’ shoulders had dropped and the way his face was set into a frown, that his boyfriend knew exactly why Zayn was calling. “Just tell him to meet me by Modest, yeah?”

“Alright, alright but please don’t get drunk there before he even arrives, okay? Nick almost got fired the other day for drinking on the job,” Zayn sneezed loudly, whilst Harry winced. Based on past experience, Paul was never happy when the boys consumed drugs or alcohol, even a day before they were expected to work. Last time someone had been caught, Paul had purposely assigned them to a client who took the term rough sex way too far as punishment.

“I won’t. You get some rest mate, hope you feel better,” Harry said gently, hanging up the phone. He looked over to his boyfriend, who had walked over to sit on the coffee table in front of him. Louis was looking at Harry, with concern in his eyes.

“Is Zayn okay?” Louis asked softly, reaching over to take Harry’s hands. Harry let him, knowing that the touch would comfort him. He took a deep breath in before answering.

“Yeah, he’s just got a cold but that means he can’t work and-” Louis let go of Harry’s hands, to put up his own, stopping Harry mid-sentence.

“Please, for the love of all that’s holy, do not tell me that you are filling in for him tonight,” Louis hissed. Harry flinched, feeling cold without Louis’ touch. He hunched over, putting his head into his hands, hearing a sharp intake of breath coming from Louis.

“I’m sorry,” Harry moaned into his hands. Louis looked at him sadly, guilt filling his body and bones. He knew that Harry was conflicted and he knew how much Harry hated what he did for a living. Harry was always apologizing to Louis for it; even Zayn had said he was sorry for suggesting it to Harry. Louis blamed neither of them, but sometimes he did blame himself for getting into the mess of a relationship he had with Harry.

It had taken so long to get through to Harry, to break down his walls one by one. Louis had noticed that he was insecure right from the very start, but had no clue as to why. Harry was an image of beauty, from the chocolate brown curls, to the lonely, tragic looking green eyes. He had these long legs, that seemed to go on forever, and an amazing torso which Louis found out later on, was extremely fit and muscular.

Louis hadn’t meant to fall in love with him. It just sort of happened, without him even realising it. The two had met through Liam, who was a close friend of Zayn’s, but would deny having feelings for the dark haired boy if asked (whilst blushing furiously though of course). Liam had dragged Louis with him to Zayn’s flat one night, after a rough break up with his ex-girlfriend Eleanor, who all of them conveniently like to forget.  Louis had purposely avoided Harry most of the night, mostly because he was so perfect and so beautiful, and all Louis could do was bite his lip and try not to stare too much. Of course, Harry, being paranoid and anxious as he was, had taken Louis’ behaviour the wrong way, and had tried not to cry too much when he had almost sprinted out the door once Liam had announced they were leaving.

But Louis, as much as he tried to get out of seeing Harry ever again, kept seeing him everywhere. The supermarket he shopped at, the local park he jogged through, even the club that Niall worked at, Modest. Louis was never one to believe in fate, but he couldn’t help thinking that maybe it wasn’t such a coincidence he kept seeing the handsome lad everywhere. So without thinking, he knocked on Zayn’s one night, to find that only Harry was home.

They became friends quickly after that one night, which was filled with apologies from Louis, and soft acceptances by Harry. Louis explained to Harry that he hadn’t  _meant_ to ignore him, he was just  _so_ upset over Eleanor (not really) and he wanted to start over. Harry had looked at Louis, for what seemed like forever, just blinking at him with a slightly shocked expression on his face, before opening the door wider and stepping aside to let Louis in.

Harry was broken and Louis knew it. He could see it in the way that Harry’s eyes never really lit up when he smiled. He could see it when Harry always kept his distance from people, never letting them close, physically and mentally. Louis was frustrated because he had always been a curious person, and Harry would surely be the death of him, because he couldn’t even get a straight answer out of the boy when he asked what he wanted for dinner.

The night Louis had found out just exactly what Harry did for a living, was the night Louis knew he was totally and completely in love. Louis didn’t care that there were pieces missing, and that Harry would never fully be fixed, but he could still damn try, because this boy,  _this boy_  was becoming a part of him and he’d couldn’t just sit there and watch Harry ruin his life.

Louis doesn’t even remember when exactly they started going out as such. Maybe it was because they’d never been on a real date, or maybe it was because Harry was so against love that they’d never actually discussed it properly. It was only when Liam had made a joke about the sexual tension between them, and Harry had replied quietly: “Well he  _is_  my boyfriend” without thinking, did Louis have hope that maybe he  _had_ gotten through to Harry finally. Liam and Zayn had just laughed at Harry’s furious blush, whilst Louis had kissed him hard on the lips, with a passion that spoke  _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou_ over and over.

“Harry love, you don’t have to keep doing this,” Louis finally said in a soothing tone. His voice shook slightly with annoyance, which Harry seemed to have noticed as he looked up from his hands. Louis looked into Harry’s eyes trying to find some optimism in them, but all he saw was exhaustion and despair.

“It’s just one extra shift Lou, and Cowell never lasts long so I won’t be longer than an hour or so, “ Harry argued tiredly. Louis laughed bitterly at the comment.

“I don’t give a fuck how long that creep lasts Harry! I care that he’s coming in my boyfriend’s ass!” Louis retorted, frustrated that Harry was trying to come up with excuses for his decision to take Zayn’s client. Harry’s eyes widened. Louis rarely got this upset over his lifestyle choices, even though he knew Louis hated it almost as much as he did.

“Louis I can’t just say no, after telling him I’ll do it!” But Harry knew that wasn’t why Louis was upset. He had been expecting an explosion about Harry’s job would come eventually from Louis, but had tiptoed around the subject delicately, in fear that Louis would kick him out, just like his parents had done.

“Fine! Go then! See if I care!” Louis yelled, standing up. “Because you know perfectly well that it kills me every time you leave to go fuck some random guy! And I can’t keep living like this Harry, I can’t do it!” Harry’s heart plummeted, the world starting to slowly spin around him.

“No Louis, I know I’m sorry Lou, you know I am, just please stay, please, I promise I’ll try to quite, just please don’t leave me,” Harry pleaded, standing up as well, towering over his fuming boyfriend. Harry couldn’t even think what he would do if Louis left him, except that maybe the bridge seemed like a good idea after all.

“Harry!” Louis said exasperatedly. “I couldn’t leave you if I wanted to! I just don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to fucking deal with this! I can’t sleep at night, knowing that you’re out there with someone else! I can’t think properly without worrying that you’ll like one of your fuck buddies more than me!” Harry’s jaw dropped. Louis was worried he’d find someone better? Harry couldn’t even think of someone as incredible, and as amazing as Louis. No one in the world was as kind, or patient, or witty as Louis and Harry couldn’t even see himself as happy with anyone else but him.

“I would never Louis, I could never do that,” Harry promised, but Louis shook his head.

“No I don’t think you understand Harry. If you want to leave me, I won’t stop you. If I’m not enough for you Haz, then go, because I don’t want to be lost in a relationship where you pretend to give a shit about me whilst I keep falling for you harder and harder every day. I don’t know how long I’ll last before I’m completely fucked up, I really don’t,” Louis continued.

Harry was lost for words. Louis thought that he was going to leave him. Louis was  _scared_ that he was going to leave him. Harry had never realised Louis got this jealous and protective over him, never considered he was even  _worth_ being cared for like this. Louis was falling for him; Louis was worried Harry didn’t feel the same. Harry almost laughed at the notion. Harry hadn’t told Louis how much he cared for him, because he had been scared of the exact same thing. Ever since his parents, Harry had thought he was one of those impossible to love people. That no one would ever love him. But Louis had brought a spark of long lost hope, that maybe, just maybe, it could be possible to be cared for. Because Louis did it so well, and Harry could not let his stupid, fucked up ‘career’ ruin the only good thing he had.

“Louis,” Harry started, putting his hands in his boyfriend’s hair, facing his head down, so their foreheads were touching. Louis tried to push him away, tears welling up in his eyes, but Harry wouldn’t let go. “Listen to me Lou, please. This is important.” Louis looked up, his bottom lip quivering. Harry smiled sorrowfully, running his thumb over the pinkness.

“I’ve never been so scared in my life, not even when my parents told me to fuck off. I can’t even begin to tell you how terrified I am, for what I’m about to tell you, okay? So please listen, because you really need to hear it, and I need to say it,” Harry choked out, whilst Louis’ eyes widened in confusion.

“Louis William Tomlinson. I love you, and I will keep on loving you until the day I die, and I don’t doubt that for a second,” Harry murmured, and Louis’ eyes spilled over. Wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s waist, Louis brought his lips up to Harry’s, relaxing into his embrace, relief flooding his body, because finally. Finally he knew, and for the first time, he wasn’t worried that Harry was going to have to leave him in a few hours for someone else. Because Louis knew it would be alright, maybe not then, but certainly in the future, because Harry,  _Harry,_ the boy who was afraid to love and not be loved in return, had let himself love Louis. And Louis couldn’t ask for anything more.

  
_Why does my heart cry?_   
_Feelings I can’t fight_   
_You’re free to leave me, but just don’t decieve me_   
_And please believe me when I say I love you_   


**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the lack of Niall in this, I just couldn't fit him in anywhere :( The next one will hopefully have him included :)


End file.
